Insects are dickheads

What is the deal with British insects? Why are they all such utter douchebags? (Yes douchebag is an Americanism but it's one I find rather funny. Also I'm not exactly sure how it came about, I mean Douche is French for shower, which to me would literally make it mean 'Shower bag', "Oh my God, that dude is SUCH a shower bag!" Well that doesn't make much sense, according to the Urban Dictionary the definition is, "a word to describe an individual who has shown themself to be very brainless in one way or another, thus comparing them to the cleansing product for vaginas." Hmmm, if anyone can enlighten me as to how this came about I'd be most grateful. Also did you notice that ALL of this was writen in brackets?).


I've just returned from Thailand where, it is my understanding that there are a lot more creatures that can maim and or kill us than there are in England. However, other than the standard pest that is the common garden fly, not ONE insect attempted to bother me while I was out there. Yes some kind of Hornet, the size of a car, flew past me once and I saw a cockroach on the other side of a room for a moment but none felt the need to be near me! (Ok we're not including mosquito's here because we all know they're arseholes the World over.)

Dangerous Thai insectoids like:


Centipedes that KILL you... or...


Wasps the size of cars, I think this one was attacking some kind of train

Well about 2 weeks before I departed to the sunny shores of the Thai islands I was ATTACKED in the street! I was minding my own business having a conversation with a friend when, for no reason what so ever, a real nasty piece of work wasp decided to land on my t-shirt. As I moved my arm during speaking, the little bastard flew up and stang me TWICE! Not just once but TWICE! Once for "fuck" and once for "you". Then he flew off, no doubt to go and laugh with his chums about the human who was now rolling around in a pool of his own blood!


"I got two words for ya buddy"

Then a day before I left I was walking home from work when I felt something biting my right arm... a rabid spider, (I know spiders aren't insects but wtf, read the story), had jumped out of a tree and sunk his fangs of DOOM into my arm, draining me of my blood. I slapped him off and think I may have made some kind of squealy noise. I thought, 'What the hell is going on?? I'm going to a country with creatures that can kill me and I've been attacked twice in the past two weeks!'

Well then I went off to Thailand and was not harrassed at all.

Then last week after I had been back home for a full week, I was sitting on the floor of my bedroom/Fortress of Solitude when my door BURST open and a giant house spider the size of a small child came charging into my room and ran straight for me and under my leg!!!

Like this...


But like this!



I believe I screamed like a girl and threw my laptop to the ground as I lept to my feet, it seems this big spider wasn't as tough as he thought as he turned tail made for the exit, I had to think fast... I don't like to kill creatures but I was trapped, it was me or him and I needed to send a message. How could I let this pass? If I let it go, other spiders would think they could take advantage of me and I needed to let the Spider Nation know that I'm not gonna take it lying down, I reached for my shoe and beat him until he was no more. Admittedly I felt bad and now I had a dead body to dispose of, I wasn't sure how but eventually I used my shoe to flick him into the hallway so that someone else could remove him. Now I sleep with one eye open and constantly walk around looking over my shoulder... I just have a feeling that at some point an Arachnohitman is gonna be waiting for me in some dark alley.